I feel that this post was appropriate enough for my return because, frankly, it's been fairly life changing (at least it feels that way right now...ask me in 159 days if I still feel the same way).
Recently I've been struggling a lot with hope. Hope is a wonderful thing, it gives us the encouragement to carry on through any number of trials and tribulations, it gives us inspiration and imagination, it's a fairly kick-ass thing. Oddly enough, my struggle was not from a lack of hope but an excess of hope.
Now I'm not speaking of hope in the 1 Corinthians 13:13 sense. Hope there is the hope in God, what we'll call Godly Hope. But what most of us have is Worldly Hope. This Worldly Hope consists of hope in our own ability, hope in some unfounded sense of "luck" or "fortune", hope in anything but God.
It's so easy to blur or ignore this distinction. It's so easy to justify any sense of hope by saying, well since God is in control... but the reality is that hope for everything is not the same as Godly Hope.
I've been reading (though the word "reading" hardly describes the slowness at which I've been reading this book) The Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoeffer. He says, "only those who believe can obey; and, only those who obey can believe" He is not contradicting himself here, well he is, but with intention. It's that age-old question of nature/nurture, fate/choice, predestination/freewill, platonism/existentialism...yea I had to throw that in there
But it's both, it has to be. I can't and won't try to explain it, other than to say I believe it. To those who say "only those who believe can obey," those who believe that they are free to disobey till God give them the unimaginable conviction to do otherwise - we must reply "only those who obey can believe." To those who says "only those who obey can believe," those who believe they must earn their salvation - we must reply "only those who believe can obey."
I've been both... As recently as last spring when I was leading the ONELove missions team for Cornerstone Church, I was the latter. Since then I've probably been more the former. Bonhoeffer talks about the importance of creating room for faith to be possible. To me, challenging me to take that existential leap of faith. That step where I trust God and his plan, despite what I may feel is best, despite what the circumstances look like, despite everything.
For the first time, Mark 9:24 made sense. "I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief!" Again, an contradiction in intention. The father of the boy in his belief comes face to face with the reality that is overcome with unbelief. Simultaneously, it is his obedience and God's grace.
Since I came to this revelation on Sunday, I've been struggling again. I made the first step, and that was challenging. But there was a second, third, fourth step. It was a daily struggle to give up my hopes to the hopes of God. To say not my will, but your will be done.
Today I was walking and the story of Abraham and Isaac came to my mind. God called Abraham to sacrifice his son, to obey despite what it all seemed like. I mean, imagine this! I've never had a struggle like this, and it's not any different because it's in the Bible. This is the stuff of academy award winning plots! Abraham is faced with the decision to obey God or sacrifice his beloved son! Yet somehow, despite what appears to be a impossible situation, both circumstances are satisfied! God is satisfied and Abraham truly receives his Son.
But that's all well and good but how often we forget everything between there. What makes this such a saga is not the beginning and the end, but all of the middle. Where would Lord of the Rings be if not for 900 pages in the middle, Star Wars if not for The Empire Strikes Back?
It begins with "Early the next morning Abraham got up." That would be enough for me, that first step must have been tremendously difficult. How do you get up the next morning after something like that? I'd stay in bed! If I were Abraham I would have said "God, I got up... I've proved I'm faithful -- now make it all go away" But no, after that he saddle a donkey, gathered his servants, cut some wood, walked three days...
Abraham was as human as you and I, each step on that journey must have been laborious. I'm sure Abraham was constantly hope for a way out of it, constantly looking around for a sign, desperately hoping that this wasn't it, but despite this he kept on stepping, kept on walking, creating that room for faith.
And where am I? I'm probably barely out of bed at this point and I'm kicking and screaming. But hopefully, as I keep stepping God will keep supporting my legs, and one day, maybe, I'll finally arrive.
shameless philosophy plug: ironically, Fear and Trembling has become surprisingly clear through this situation...
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