Can you believe it's August already? I can't.
Where did the summer go? This summer was supposed to be a defining moment in my adult life. The beginning of a whole new chapter. Looking back on the summer I'm not quite so sure I've begun a new chapter so much as dragged on the last one.
I stayed in Boston in the hopes that I would figure some stuff out, get a job, get going. In reality I ended up not being very productive, not really getting any leads, and running into a number of financially difficult situations. Unemployment sucks.
I told myself, I told God (a bad place to start as it is) that if He wanted me to stay in Boston He would give me a job by the end of summer. The end of summer is here and He hasn't produced. But who am I to put a deadline, a method to God? Then again, what if this is his way of telling me this is not the place for me.
I thought, at least, I knew what I wanted to do. Non-Profit/Institutional Development. Fund raising and gathering support for organizations. But now I'm not quite so sure. At this point I'm tempted to settle, just take any job that pays decently so I can feel productive, feel like I'm not a complete waste of life.
Am I just being idealistic? I want to be realistic but I don't want to compromise too deeply. I have too much pride, selfish-pride, to let myself compromise completely. But who said that this is the way that I would get to where God wants me to be? Who chose this path? I did, I think.
I remain thoroughly confused at this very moment. I don't know where I'm supposed to be, what I'm supposed to be doing, and for who. I don't even know if I'm supposed to know, now or ever. I don't know if God just wants me to decide or listen for his voice.
I know I should trust him, but what is trust? What do you do when you don't know where to place your trust? I'll walk anywhere but where do I put the first step?
But God is still good. He's provided for me in so many ways while I've been here. Regardless of how bad things are they could be infinitely worse. Plus, as far as I know, in his plan this is exactly what I need to get to where I want to be. Who am I to question the will of God?
He loves me. He will care for me. Why the heck can't I get this into my head?
7 years ago
2 comments:
mmmmmmmm......... one day you'll look back onto this blog and wish you coulda told yourself that everything would turn out fine. :)
I feel for you, and wish I could offer some words of advice but I don't know myself. You're smart and determined, though, so I know you'll find your way in the end. In fact, maybe you think too much. Which is my problem too...
At least you know you're never alone when you have God with you, even if his messages are hard to decode.
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