It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

Often when our lives are in the dumps our relationship with God is better (and our blogging is too) but when things are going good our relationship with God sucks.

I need to grow a heart of thankfulness which calls out to God even when things are going my way.

yesterday or tomorrow?

I can’t seem to keep my mind on the task at hand. I’m reliving yesterday, last weekend, and every day before that. I’m also wondering what tomorrow may bring—is Saturday going to be awesome? I’m everywhere except today.

Today is just not as exciting as I thought yesterday was or tomorrow might be. But it’s far more real, devastatingly more important, and disappointingly fleeting.

So here’s to today, cheers.

To pill or not to pill, that is the question

By pill I'm talking about oral contraceptive pills.

I actually don't have to decide if I'm going to be on the pill or not, but many women do. Being a man, I've decided to tell women how to think. (that's a joke, calm down)

But really, I was reading this blog post by Jon Acuff and in it he talks about pastors who encourage people to go out and be fruitful and multiply. Well, the Catholic Church says you can't use condoms. I can't honestly see their issue with condoms, by that logic we shouldn't also wear seatbelts because that prevents God from taking our lives in a car crash if he wants to.

I have, though, always wondered about the pill. From the little I understood (and still understand) about how the pill works, it sounds like it doesn't prevent pregnancy but rather that it aborts pregnancy.

I found this very interesting article online. I don't know if everything it says is 100% true, if it's biased on it's view of the research, or anything but it seems relatively fair handed. Read it for yourself and decide (if a medical professional wants to weigh in, please do) But, from what I understand the article concludes that there are occurrences when the pill causes abortions occasionally because it still can allow occasional ovulation and conception but prevents implantation. The article seems to be more concerned with how often this happens than that it happens at all.

But based on this, and further research, I am against the use of the pill as the sole method of contraception. It seems to me that any chance (3% to 7%) of aborting a life is too much of a chance.

If you really gotta do the dirty deed, use a condom it's the sexy equivalent of a seatbelt.

Secular Humanism

I've never been the type of student to argue with professors, I usually just take their word on the subject and leave it as that. Even if I disagree with them I would never consider making a fuss about it. The only argument I've gotten into with a professor was with my Social Theory professor who is a self-proclaimed Secular Humanist.

Secular Humanism is the belief that there is no inherent moral or ethical code with which humanity has been imbued, but that by our reasoning and rationale we are compelled to moral action for the benefit of our lives.

Honestly, this is in my opinion the biggest philosophical turd that has ever been laid (at least since relativism...my blog could also be called anti-secular-humanism...but that wouldn't be as catchy). Nevermind the teleological considerations of a belief which is grounded upon the belief that there are no grounds for belief. It's just impractical.

People, as nice as they look on Amnesty International commercials, are a bunch of ruthless, debase scoundrels who will do whatever is within their power to pull themselves up at the cost of those around them. We ourselves are so clearly incapable of love, even hurting those closest to us. By what means do we expect to love the world? By our own efforts?

Bull shit.

"the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." Matthew 20:28

It is only by His example, His power, His redemption that we are able to love the world. "[the world] could never have treated him with the same degree of spite and hatred with which he had treated Jesus Christ. Once we realize that Jesus has served us even to the depths of our meagerness, our selfishness, and our sin, nothing we encounter from others will be able to exhaust our determination to serve others for His sake." - Oswald Chambers, My Utmost For His Highest (February 23, 2010)


Secular Humanism (n.) - Giant philosophical turd.

Why do we pray?

I often pray for wisdom and understanding but for my own end, so that I may have clarity and direction for my own edification. I forget that prayer is not to draw God closer to me but me closer to God.

"For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light. For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins." -Colossians 1:9-14

Shut up

It's easy for me to remember the God of Elijah who brought down fire from the heavens but it's so easy for me to forget the God who, only verses later, appears to Elijah not in the wind, earthquake, or fire but in a gentle whisper.

So often I am searching for the God of the fire when God is present in my life as a whisper. I need only to quiet myself and realize that God is not distant but near.

Grace again

There's just over 3 hours left in my fast.

If I've learned anything from my fast it's that I depend on myself and myself alone. I move through it under my own power and my own effort, yet it is not suffice to push me through. There is something that I am missing from the equation.

I've stumbled and failed more times than I can count but God's grace extends to me and allows me to begin again. 3 hours left and I'm sure I'll fail again. 3 hours left and I'm sure I'll find his grace again.

Seedless fruit

What is it to be a fruit?
Strictly speaking, it’s the part of the plant which carries the seed of the plant.

When was the last time you had a seeded watermelon, grape, lemon, banana, tomato, orange?

Oh what modern irony, that in this heartless generation we should also produce fruit which bear no seed. Objects which have lost their very purpose.

We act as though gods, creating the world in our own image.

In my head

For the last several months I've truly felt nearer to God than I have in a long time. Not to say that I am somehow holier, wiser, or less likely to make stupid mistakes. But simply that his love and his presence has been undeniable for me.

Out of his love he's burdened me a great deal. I do not fully understand the root or purpose of this burden but I know it is the seed of something great. I feel as an acorn might feel (if it had feelings). As it begins to sprout, losing daily its acorn-ness and yet having the vague sensation that it may be on the cusp of something far greater.




Several verses/stories have been on my heart for some time now. I've referenced them in other posts but I thought I would share them.

Genesis 22 - The Offering of Isaac
"Abraham stretched out his hand and took the knife to slay his son. But the angel of the LORD called to him from heaven and said, "Abraham, Abraham!" And he said, "Here I am."

Galatians 1:15-17
"But when God, who set me apart from birth and called me by his grace, was pleased to reveal his Son in me so that I might preach him among the Gentiles, I did not consult any man, nor did I go up to Jerusalem to see those who were apostles before I was, but I went immediately into Arabia and later returned to Damascus."

Isaiah 6:8
"Then I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, "Whom shall I send, and who will go for Us?" Then I said, "'ere am I. Send me!'"

1 Samuel 3 - The Calling of Samuel
"The LORD came and stood there, calling as at the other times, 'Samuel! Samuel!' Then Samuel said, 'Speak, for your servant is listening.'"





"Every seed dies before it grows"

It is well

On the cover of my journal is the lyrics for the hymn It is well with my soul.

I wrote that at a time when I was struggling to remember what matters most. I wrote it so that anytime I went to write in my journal (usually times of hardship) I would remember what matters most. I'm nearing the final pages of that journal, physically, and it's poignant that this song should enter my life again.

Even at times when life isn't quite what we wanted it to be, it is well.

Bonus: Audio Adrenaline and Jennifer Knapp, still the best version of the hymn to date:

Obedience

The wonder and horror of being Christians is the numerous paradoxes you must accept. That it is not by reason that we are Christians but through lived experience. Only through living do we find that, some how, we have freely chosen Him and He has ultimately chosen us.

I'm finding that obedience must be like that. That somehow when I completely sacrifice my will to the will of the Lord I shall find that I am far more free than I was when I followed my own choices. That somehow, in Him I am far more me than I ever was by myself.

I think it's time I stop fooling around and lose myself in me and find myself in Him.

I have been crucified with Christ and no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

The Real

My experience is not what makes redemption real— redemption is reality. Redemption has no real meaning for me until it is worked out through my conscious life. When I am born again, the Spirit of God takes me beyond myself and my experiences, and identifies me with Jesus Christ. If I am left only with my personal experiences, I am left with something not produced by redemption. But experiences produced by redemption prove themselves by leading me beyond myself, to the point of no longer paying any attention to experiences as the basis of reality. Only to the Reality which produces the experiences. My experiences are not worth anything unless they keep me at the Source of truth— Jesus Christ. –My Utmost For His Highest - Dec. 21, 2009

In C.S. Lewis’ novel, The Great Divorce visitors from hell visit Heaven and find that it is too real for them. The grass of the heavenly plains pierce their feet and the light of the heavenly sun tears at them. It is not that they have somehow become less real, that they are now ghost. But rather, it is that heaven (the presence of God) is far more real than anything we know.

I often feel that God isn’t real enough in my life. I cry out to God to be more real in my life. What I seem to forget is that God is already real, without me asking He is already more real than anything in my life. Yet, on a daily basis I choose to ignore the reality and focus on the temporal. I weigh myself down with relative illusions when real freedom is offered to me.

It’s the child who, whilst playing in the mud, finds that his mud pies have been destroyed. Ignoring the knowledge that he has real food waiting for him at home. Or a more modern analogy, the child who is sad that his game character has lost the battle when he has his own true life yet to live. All this a hundred fold of course.

To know what is real, that is the source of true freedom.

Back from the grave...

It's been a while... 159 days to be exact.

No I did not count it, this is 2009. There are websites for these things.

I feel that this post was appropriate enough for my return because, frankly, it's been fairly life changing (at least it feels that way right now...ask me in 159 days if I still feel the same way).

Recently I've been struggling a lot with hope. Hope is a wonderful thing, it gives us the encouragement to carry on through any number of trials and tribulations, it gives us inspiration and imagination, it's a fairly kick-ass thing. Oddly enough, my struggle was not from a lack of hope but an excess of hope.

Now I'm not speaking of hope in the 1 Corinthians 13:13 sense. Hope there is the hope in God, what we'll call Godly Hope. But what most of us have is Worldly Hope. This Worldly Hope consists of hope in our own ability, hope in some unfounded sense of "luck" or "fortune", hope in anything but God.

It's so easy to blur or ignore this distinction. It's so easy to justify any sense of hope by saying, well since God is in control... but the reality is that hope for everything is not the same as Godly Hope.

I've been reading (though the word "reading" hardly describes the slowness at which I've been reading this book) The Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoeffer. He says, "only those who believe can obey; and, only those who obey can believe" He is not contradicting himself here, well he is, but with intention. It's that age-old question of nature/nurture, fate/choice, predestination/freewill, platonism/existentialism...yea I had to throw that in there

But it's both, it has to be. I can't and won't try to explain it, other than to say I believe it. To those who say "only those who believe can obey," those who believe that they are free to disobey till God give them the unimaginable conviction to do otherwise - we must reply "only those who obey can believe." To those who says "only those who obey can believe," those who believe they must earn their salvation - we must reply "only those who believe can obey."

I've been both... As recently as last spring when I was leading the ONELove missions team for Cornerstone Church, I was the latter. Since then I've probably been more the former. Bonhoeffer talks about the importance of creating room for faith to be possible. To me, challenging me to take that existential leap of faith. That step where I trust God and his plan, despite what I may feel is best, despite what the circumstances look like, despite everything.

For the first time, Mark 9:24 made sense. "I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief!" Again, an contradiction in intention. The father of the boy in his belief comes face to face with the reality that is overcome with unbelief. Simultaneously, it is his obedience and God's grace.

Since I came to this revelation on Sunday, I've been struggling again. I made the first step, and that was challenging. But there was a second, third, fourth step. It was a daily struggle to give up my hopes to the hopes of God. To say not my will, but your will be done.

Today I was walking and the story of Abraham and Isaac came to my mind. God called Abraham to sacrifice his son, to obey despite what it all seemed like. I mean, imagine this! I've never had a struggle like this, and it's not any different because it's in the Bible. This is the stuff of academy award winning plots! Abraham is faced with the decision to obey God or sacrifice his beloved son! Yet somehow, despite what appears to be a impossible situation, both circumstances are satisfied! God is satisfied and Abraham truly receives his Son.

But that's all well and good but how often we forget everything between there. What makes this such a saga is not the beginning and the end, but all of the middle. Where would Lord of the Rings be if not for 900 pages in the middle, Star Wars if not for The Empire Strikes Back?

It begins with "Early the next morning Abraham got up." That would be enough for me, that first step must have been tremendously difficult. How do you get up the next morning after something like that? I'd stay in bed! If I were Abraham I would have said "God, I got up... I've proved I'm faithful -- now make it all go away" But no, after that he saddle a donkey, gathered his servants, cut some wood, walked three days...

Abraham was as human as you and I, each step on that journey must have been laborious. I'm sure Abraham was constantly hope for a way out of it, constantly looking around for a sign, desperately hoping that this wasn't it, but despite this he kept on stepping, kept on walking, creating that room for faith.

And where am I? I'm probably barely out of bed at this point and I'm kicking and screaming. But hopefully, as I keep stepping God will keep supporting my legs, and one day, maybe, I'll finally arrive.

shameless philosophy plug: ironically, Fear and Trembling has become surprisingly clear through this situation...

This is for You

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

Today and everyday forward is for you. I offer up my entire life to you: my relationships, resources, goals, everything. Everything I receive is a undeserved gift, everything I give is from You.

This life is for You.

Dogs, all of us are dogs

C.S. Lewis said that Pain is God’s megaphone to a deaf world.

I must be beyond deaf then. Not to say I’m in some great deal of pain right now – at least not in an atypical way. All our lives are riddled with pain throughout, but we convince ourselves of the normalcy of this. We’ve actually brought ourselves to a point where we tell ourselves that this pain is natural, that it’s a “part of life”, we even glorify those who can ignore it and mock those who are “too” aware of it. In the end, there is no denying it – not that our society does. All our stories, songs, values are related to this pain that we feel.

We sell hundreds of millions of self-help books each year, helping our modern society cope with this pain. Feeling worthless? Buy a book on how to make more money so you can have more worth. Feeling lonely? Buy a book on dating and learn to mask the longing for relationship with sexual passion. Feeling down? Buy a book on finding happiness through cooking, working, sex, etc.

But why? The pain of the human experience is as old as time; but why, oh why, hasn’t anyone figured it out?

There certainly have been some noble attempts. Nietzsche saw the pain of human existence but, after some careful thinking, wrote it off as the weakness of our lesser selves. That it is a result of our submission to chains of our creation—human ethics and values. The answer is to rise above these things, to become a being who is self defined and self reliant: the ubermenche – the overman, superman. Sartre saw all pain as a result of the subjugation of the being into object. That all human interaction is the hostile interaction of subjects who try to objectify each other. I want to make you an object in my world, rather than a person for person’s sake, and our interactions are the reasons why we have pain. Famously, Sartre for writing in his autobiography, “I'm not so sure I didn't seek out women's company in order to get rid of the burden of my ugliness” But really, what are these philosophies now?

Really, is there nothing that can save us? Solomon gave himself everything and found it all meaningless.

I denied myself nothing my eyes desired;
I refused my heart no pleasure.
My heart took delight in all my work,
and this was the reward for all my labor.
Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done
and what I had toiled to achieve,
everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind;
nothing was gained under the sun.
Ecclesiastes 2:10-11


Do you know what the difference between a dog and a human is? When you point to something, a dog will stare at your finger and a human will look to where the finger is pointing. We are dogs, all of us. We are so caught up in this pain of ours, we focus on it so dearly! We forget that this pain is merely a sign pointing the way! We are asked to look along our pain rather than at our pain!

People ask, if God is good why does he inflict pain on good people? The question is missing the point. If we are good people, why can’t we see God in the pain? God is calling out to us, asking for us to look at Him but everyday we focus on the finger, not seeing it for what it is. If we could only look along it, we would find that the pain is no pain at all but merely a sign to something far more substantial.

WWJD?

Remember those WWJD Bracelets? I used to have a dark green one with white lettering, I wore it proudly -- probably more for social significance than spiritual guidance though.

As well intentioned as those bracelets may have been they are about as useful as a flat tire, on a rainy day, in the middle of nowhere. This is a somewhat recent realization of mine as I struggled through some decisions in my life. Troubled with my typical lack of decisiveness, I tried to turn to this pop-spiritual guidance and found it lacking. The reality was, "I have no damn clue what Jesus would do here because He wouldn't be in this situation in the first place!"

So what then? I suppose that's the value of meditation and prayer, of hearing God's spirit ourselves rather than from a bracelet.

Though, if i could get my hands on a dark green WWJD bracelet I would so rock it...

A love song for a savior

In open fields of wild flowers,
she breathes the air and flies away
She thanks her Jesus for the daises and the roses
in no simple language
Someday she'll understand the meaning of it all
He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close a heartbeat or a song on her lips
Someday she'll trust Him and learn how to see Him
Someday He'll call her and she will come running
and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and she'll pray,

"I want to fall in love with You"

Sitting silent wearing Sunday best
The sermon echoes through the walls
A great salvation through it calls to the people
who stare into nowhere, and can't feel the chains on their souls

He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close a heartbeat or a song on our lips
Someday we'll trust Him and learn how to see Him
Someday He'll call us and we will come running
and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and we'll pray,

"I want to fall in love with You"

It seems too easy to call you "Savior",
Not close enough to call you "God"
So as I sit and think of words I can mention
to show my devotion

"I want to fall in love with You"

"my heart beats for You"





This has always been my favorite song, But I don’t think I even fully understand the song.



The bridge especially eluded me, “it seems to easy to call you ‘Savior’, not close enough to call you ‘God’.”



In my mind it always seemed to be reversed, it’s so easy to call you God but to call Him “Savior” is so hard. For so much of my life I struggled with this, though I didn’t fully realize this. I thought that finding “God” was simple. I thought, ‘look around you!’ Even in my darkest moments I couldn’t deny that there was a God out there, someone sustaining all being into existence. I struggled with the loving God, with Jesus and the message of salvation and freedom. Not to say I’ve somehow come to complete understanding of this, but in the past year or so I’ve come to see this loving God in such a real manner. God has been showing me what it means to have a savior. The freedom of His love.



Though, very recently I feel like God has begun to reveal to me the ‘next’ step in our relationship, which brings us back to our song. I feel like He is asking me to let him be Lord over my life. For the first time ever, that bridge has real meaning for me. I feel like God is asking me to let go of all the hope that I have placed in this world. He is asking me to let go of any expectations, loves, and plans I may have and to just surrender all to Him. To say, “God, this is for you.” The beautiful part of it is that I know it’s not because we are essentially slaves to Him, but because we are made for Him! To let Him fulfill me, to bring me joy through His will for my life.



It’s too easy to just call Him “Savior”, but He’s drawing me closer so I can begin to really call him “God”.

A Short History of Nearly Everything

Come near to God and he will come near to you. James 4:8

Recently I’ve been going through an amazing book called A Short History of Nearly Everything by Bill Bryson. It's essentially a grand sweeping overview of the history of science (therefore implying that sciences is everything--wrong, but besides the point). The author is a somewhat staunch atheistic evolutionsist and yet I cannot help but feel wholy connected to God as I read this book. All of the facts and proofs of evolution, the miniscule chances of probability that lead to our existence, and structures of the world only do more to edify my amazement that there is a God that does so much for us. To think he created this perfect universe, with everything working perfectly, just so that we could Love him and find ourselves in him.

At this point in the discussion I usually launch into my usual apologetical tyrade on the proofs of God's existence and how it relates to science -- or actually, doesn't relate to science. But I will spare the readers; for the moment at least.

I say all this because it amazes me that God has done so much for us in creating this perfect universe which at every level of examination cries out to us and yet we still abandoned him. That he went further to reach out to us through His son and yet we still rejected him. And despite all of this, He continues, in our lives, to reach out to us! That in the infiniteness of the expanse between us and Him, that all we must do is take the first step to be near to Him and He shall come running to we prodigal children with open arms.

It's so easy to get caught up in the vastness of the difference and forget who it is calling us. We focus so much on the human distances between us and forget that God can call us to him at any moment -- we call it death. That it is not so much about us arriving at Him, but reaching out to Him.

God created the universe in all it's splendor, gave His son to die on the cross, and His spirit, so that we could take the first step toward Him.

the will

My blogging seems to increase and decrease exponentially. This is my second entry today, tomorrow may be 4. Conversely, one day I may just stop posting for very long periods of time. By what desire am I drawn to or away from blogging?

I can explain and understand, at least on paper, how the interaction of my will and God’s will should be. I understand that finding the ultimate will of God is finding my own deepest, truest desires—and vice versa. I understand that there is within us a deep desire to be a part of something greater, and there is in God’s will a call for us to return to something greater. I understand all of this very well in my head, but can find no notion of this in my heart.

These deepest, truest desires are no where to be found in my will. At many times I seem to be pursuing this which, as far as anyone can tell, may be contrary to the will of God. Then again, they may not be? Who is to truly say?

Do we assume that we aren’t, as we are completely depraved? Do we assume that something in side of us will shine through? These are fairly deep, serious, and heady theological questions. But, if we really consider them, our actions must be determined by them in some nature if we are to say we are truly seeking the will of God – or even our own selfish will.

In the end, what will are we really guided by?